wrapped in strength quiet dignity permeates the cloth draped across her skin accentuating her spirit her wisdom shines outward like a beacon of hope slowly she smiles and warmth radiates from her eyes she strokes my face and I am beckoned to follow the realization of loss sweeps over me as the void closes in chill racks my bones pins pricking my flesh I writhe in torment the air around me grows thick with cold and I am unable to move pain spews forth from my choking lungs I reach out to nothing fighting the swirling froth for my release I choke and convulse regrets fear fills me the gravity of her deception her depravity floods my mind I thought this would be easy
Forever and Always
As I was driving home, rounding a curve in the road, I thought to myself, “And I said to you, my darling, we have forever and always.” It stretched itself in my mind, growing to become a poem.
and I said to you, my darling
we have forever and always
your hand cupped in mine against
my soft cheek. eyes lifted toward
yours, I smiled and said again
forever and always,
and it was
we had forever
but no one tells you
that forever means infinity
and it is so cold and lonely
we love each other alone in the dust
our being becoming the wind and
as I move I whisper I love you
as I move faster I scream it
and you hear in that infinity
in dust and cold and lonely
and we are one again and
screaming of our love into
the dark and forever and always
Home: A Poem
I struggle to find the words I want to share here. I’ve decided to embrace poetry, as it’s my favorite thing to write. This came to me tonight:
home is the sweet scent of honeysuckle wafting by as I grow nearer, it is fields full of bluegrass and daisies, blackberries and spry young rabbits it is cows calling their calves to drink eagerly they oblige, running to fill their stomachs home is quite and birdsong dusty rooms and a creaking front porch it is father watching the cattle as the sun sets a dog whining for a pet and chickens scratching among the grass home is peace among flowers between an old tree and a well wrapped in an old wooden fence a mutual silence that holds love
My Grandmother Is Dying
The cancer has spread through her lungs, her spine, her liver, and her brain. I can hear a pained slur when we speak on the phone. She lives on the other side of the country. I might never see her again.
To be honest, when I think about it, I feel as though I’m dying too. There is this dread, as though the whole of existence is soon to blink out. The end.
I can’t imagine a world without her in it. I’ve lost grandparents and other family members. But this…this is an unfamiliar ache.
I keep dreading that one day I’ll wake up and she won’t be there. We won’t be able to speak anymore. I worry that because she made me feel so loved that as she goes, so will that part of me that was loved. I know that’s illogical.
I feel like I knew before I knew.
A few weeks ago I died in a dream. It was like my life was a soap bubble floating above a sink and it popped. Just like that it was over. I was standing in a room with an old man, an old woman, and my grandmother. I looked at the people in the room and said, “Oh, we’re dead aren’t we?”
And we were. I wasn’t frightened or upset. I just was. We waited and then I woke up. I thought to myself that my memaw has died. I just knew I’d get a call soon that she’d passed. I wondered if it was a goodbye.
It was just a dream, of course, but it makes you wonder.
The more I think about her dying, the more guilt I feel. Whenever I speak to my grandmother she asks me if I’m seeing anyone. She says she wants me to be married and have a baby. I realize, that even if I have a child it’ll be too late. I’ll never be able to present my little one to her. I’ll never be able to tell her they have a name in her honor. She’d be so immensely proud too.
I guess that’s my fault for not having a family sooner. My aunt has her husband and my cousin. My brother has his girlfriend and my niece.
Then there’s me and I am very single.
I suppose my grandmother will be the first in my family to learn my only secret.
She may not be here to meet any children I may have after she passes but she’ll meet my little boy in Heaven. If there’s a Heaven, mind you. I like to think that she’ll get to meet him and hold him in her arms. I hope she does. Because I know the love she’s given me and I can only imagine how great her love for him would be.
MAIDFOLK 