The cancer has spread through her lungs, her spine, her liver, and her brain. I can hear a pained slur when we speak on the phone. She lives on the other side of the country. I might never see her again.
To be honest, when I think about it, I feel as though I’m dying too. There is this dread, as though the whole of existence is soon to blink out. The end.
I can’t imagine a world without her in it. I’ve lost grandparents and other family members. But this…this is an unfamiliar ache.
I keep dreading that one day I’ll wake up and she won’t be there. We won’t be able to speak anymore. I worry that because she made me feel so loved that as she goes, so will that part of me that was loved. I know that’s illogical.
I feel like I knew before I knew.
A few weeks ago I died in a dream. It was like my life was a soap bubble floating above a sink and it popped. Just like that it was over. I was standing in a room with an old man, an old woman, and my grandmother. I looked at the people in the room and said, “Oh, we’re dead aren’t we?”
And we were. I wasn’t frightened or upset. I just was. We waited and then I woke up. I thought to myself that my memaw has died. I just knew I’d get a call soon that she’d passed. I wondered if it was a goodbye.
It was just a dream, of course, but it makes you wonder.
The more I think about her dying, the more guilt I feel. Whenever I speak to my grandmother she asks me if I’m seeing anyone. She says she wants me to be married and have a baby. I realize, that even if I have a child it’ll be too late. I’ll never be able to present my little one to her. I’ll never be able to tell her they have a name in her honor. She’d be so immensely proud too.
I guess that’s my fault for not having a family sooner. My aunt has her husband and my cousin. My brother has his girlfriend and my niece.
Then there’s me and I am very single.
I suppose my grandmother will be the first in my family to learn my only secret.
She may not be here to meet any children I may have after she passes but she’ll meet my little boy in Heaven. If there’s a Heaven, mind you. I like to think that she’ll get to meet him and hold him in her arms. I hope she does. Because I know the love she’s given me and I can only imagine how great her love for him would be.
MAIDFOLK 